I was 15 years old and more interested in my horse than boys. But a friend arranged a double date to a high school dance. My family and I only vaguely knew the 18-year-old guy she set me up with, but I went anyway. After the dance the four of us went back to this guy’s house.
My friend deserted me to go make out with her date in another room. Uninhibited and unsupervised, this 18-year-old forced himself on me. I was too terrified to tell a soul. I did not want my parents to find out. A few weeks later I started getting morning sickness. One day Mom asked, “Do you think you could be pregnant?” Grudgingly, I told her about the rape. It was so embarrassing. I had just recently started getting my period; that was hard enough to talk about with my mother. Now I had to give her the details of my sexual assault and the possibility of pregnancy.
When we went to our family doctor he assumed we wanted to abort the baby. My parents made the decision for me. An abortion with a private doctor was scheduled in a different town. That doctor was so careful, so reassuring, so comforting. He put me under general anesthesia, so I don’t remember the actual abortion, but I will never forget how it impacted my life.
The shame of the rape and the abortion never faded. I am a disappointment. Everything that happened to me was my fault. My relationship with Jesus almost vanished. I started drinking when I was 17. I now know that I did it to freeze my emotions. I sought love in all the wrong places. During that search I got pregnant again. I was working toward my accounting degree when I found out. Abortion wasn’t just an option for me—it was an automatic reaction.
I’ve already disappointed my family and God. Abortion must be the answer again. The baby’s father had no qualms about terminating the pregnancy. He dropped me off and left for a few hours until the abortion was completed. I remember protestors being there, but I didn’t acknowledge their presence. As I entered the big building I noticed how many women were there; the doctor must have performed 20 abortions that day. There was no friendly conversation, just cold silence as the workers shuffled us from room to room. They simply agreed with my reasons for being there and reiterated my own negative thoughts. To this day, I don’t know who the abortionist was or what he or she looked like. I was never introduced to the person who took my child’s life. All of the workers wore masks.
The second abortion made my already-regressed feelings vanish. I felt no sadness, no happiness. I neither cried nor laughed. My emotional coma started a ripple effect that marred my entire life. I felt like I couldn’t connect with anyone, like I could not be honest with anyone about who I really was. I immersed myself in the bar life.
Suddenly, I got sick of my lifestyle. I didn’t know what the answer was, but I realized that I wouldn’t find it in the bottom of a bottle. While I was shopping at Sam’s Club one day, The Purpose Driven Life caught my eye. On a whim, I bought it. The checker saw it in my basket and said, “It’s gonna change
your life.” I smiled at her politely, not knowing how right she was. The book helped me build my relationship with God. It encouraged me to find a loving church family–a place to heal.
Before I started the healing process nightmares about my abortion haunted me. I dreamt that children were angry with me for what I had done. After learning the truth about abortion, specifically fetal development, my mom and dad regret their fatal decision, and I continue to grieve over mine. I don’t have those nightmares anymore.
Even though my children were conceived in difficult, even criminal, circumstances that does not mean that their lives were any less valuable than any other baby’s. The child I conceived through rape did not choose how he or she was created. Abortion just adds another crime to the situation, and I was forced to live with the fact that I let another life be assaulted.
When I was raped, I needed to know that it was not my fault; I needed love and compassion. I did not need an abortion. God helped me realize that my life didn’t lose worth just because I made mistakes.
He forgave and healed me. He made me beautiful again.